Today I was feeling sorry for myself. I want another baby so badly and every month when the woman's curse shows back up into my life, my heart breaks again. I have created a "secret board" on pinterest with all the fertility tricks and tips and still, it hasn't happened. But I know that God has a plan and eventually it will happen. I just have to be patient. Yes, easier said than done.
I truly believe that I was born to be a mother. When my sister was born (we were a year and 9 months apart), I took on the role immediately. I bossed her, I talked for her, I force-fed her (and almost choked her) I did everything an (almost) 2 year old mom would do. I am very blessed, as I have mentioned before. I have a step-daughter, Harlee, who lives with us and I have my 3 year old son, Jaxon. I always imagined that I would have about 3-4 children and I never imagined it would take so long. It only took us a year to conceive Jaxon, but I felt that was a year longer than I wanted to wait. I prayed, and it happened. I never went back on birth control after Jaxon was born because I knew I wanted to have another (not immediately), but I was afraid to get on birth control for fear that it would make things harder when I was ready. It has been 3 years, we have been ready for 2 and still no baby. I wanted Jaxon to grow up with a sibling close to his age like I was blessed to have for 19 years. I grew up always having a best friend no matter who else was against me. I never went a day without someone to play with and the best part was, she was my age. I know Harlee and Jaxon have each other, but there is a significant age difference and on top of that, they are the opposite sex. There is someone missing in my heart. I long to experience pregnancy and childbirth and all the emotions that go with it again. The first time around I prayed for time to fly because I couldn't wait to meet my son. My childbirth experience was not the way I wanted it to be. There are so many things I want to re-do and most of all, I want to add another piece to the Knezevich family puzzle.
I found out that I was pregnant on a Friday in February after taking a pregnancy test after I got home from work. I was extremely excited. I just knew I was for a month, but didn't take a test because I was always irregular and every time I would take a test, I would just end up heartbroken, but after 3 months with no period, and I was having typical symptoms, I decided to go ahead and take the test. Well, I wish I hadn't. The only positive thing that came out of that test is that at least I knew that getting pregnant again was possible. I took the test and literally started spotting 3 hours later. Then the cramps came. The next morning my grandmother and I drove to the hospital (Chris stayed home with the kids) and we were there for an agonizing 6 hours while they ran every test and did every type of exam.. another mistake.. I should not have gone. They ended up telling me that my pregnancy tests were saying that I was pregnant, but that nothing was showing up on the ultrasound and that I was probably miscarrying.. but in a more roundabout and confusing way. I went home and nothing happened until I was at work Monday. Right before I went in for a meeting with our CFO who was here from Spain, I went the restroom and it happened; I miscarried. WORST.TIMING.EVER. I had to tell our HR manager about it so that I could have a little time to compose myself. I got my act together, gave my presentation, and then went home. My boss would have never made me stay, knowing the situation, but I knew that she was only there for the day and that I needed to suck it up. I think I am having a hard time because if all this had not happened, then I would have another baby in my arms today... (We were placing the due date around the first week of September).
Then there is the guilt that I have.. That guilt when I see posts every day of someone else who is announcing a pregnancy.. most of the times, I am truly ecstatic for them.. but then there are the ones with the "uh-ohs" and "oh-nos" and "I am not ready for this" I feel guilty because I wonder, "why them, and not me?" I am ready, I am prepared, I REALLY want this. Don't get me wrong, every child is a blessing and I hate no one and certainly don't wish ill.. but I can't stop that feeling in my gut that wonders why there are parents out there who yearn for this and have issues with fertility, while others get these blessings and are not even ready for it. Is this normal? Am I crazy?? Surely I am not the only one who has these feelings.
Either way, I was seeking some type of words of comfort this evening. I have a wonderful husband who brought me home some ginger ale (oddly my go-to for everything - sickness, sadness, celebrations, etc) He tries to comfort me as much as possible, because this is something that we both want.. so I found this:
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed."
Habakkuk 2:3
These words spoke right to my heart and after an afternoon of crying, comfort from the hubby and a phone call from my Mom, I think I may actually be in for a pretty good night of sleep.
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